Covid took all of my confidence. Now I’m trying to take it back
There are two things you should know about me before diving into this post: I have never been an overly confident person- I have my moments but all-in-all I am fairly introverted and I enjoy my downtime and own company. The other thing is: I hate change. So you can imagine the alarm bells that were ringing in my head as the entire world went into lockdown and our lives were flipped upside down- but also the comfort that came with not having to worry about constant social interactions and just being able to press pause on everything.
"Overall my emotions were completely out of whack."
I finished university during Covid and I’m sure any graduate can tell you that last stretch isn’t easy at the best of times and you can imagine it wasn’t stress-free during a Pandemic. So my routine wired brain that loves structure really took a hit when University was coming to an end and then on top of that no one had a clue about how things would move forward.
Remember I said I enjoy my downtime and own company? Well Covid gave me too much of that. It gave me too much time to think about myself and tear myself down. Rather than being kept busy and having more important things to occupy myself with I had plenty of time to worry about how insecure I am. Everyone has insecurities – I always have but mine swallowed me alive during lockdown.
Covid has caused so much unemployment in the UK and let me tell you it has been painful at times. I was looking for a job for months and I had day after day of receiving multiple rejection emails. It was so disheartening. So then was I not only tearing myself down for my physical insecurities but also just tearing myself apart completely.
As I said I am fairly introverted and Covid also had me feeling quite withdrawn from people. There was less to talk about, I had settled into this new norm of not interacting with people as much and I just felt cut off from people and the longer it went on the harder it got to understand what was going on and how I felt about it. I think lockdown taught me we don’t need to constantly be updating each other and telling each other everything online but just to find a balance- which is one lockdown lesson I am grateful for.
As restrictions have been eased on the country I have eased the restrictions I put on myself. I have got a job now which I am very grateful for- so I can stop convincing myself I am an unemployable failure (not that anyone unemployed is- it’s a tough world out there). I am busier now and have less time for intrusive thoughts so want to use my time wisely- for positive affirmations and doing the things I love. I have tried to be more honest with myself in what I actually want for myself and not what I do for others. It’s okay to be worried about anything I’ve mentioned in this post but don’t let this virus take anything more away from you than it already has.
Although lockdown tore me apart I have put myself back together. So if there is a second wave no way Covid will be knocking me down again.
Hi I'm Lauren! I am a creative writing graduate. I have a blog you can check out: Sunset Soul Blog
and my instagram is: @laurenmartinn__